my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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