I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize