The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Randomize
