so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
