Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
