Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
