I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize