well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
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