I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Randomize
