His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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