Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Randomize
