Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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