Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
