anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Randomize
