Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
