There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
