I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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