Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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