go do what you do best...puke behind churches
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
sarcasm needs its own font
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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