I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
