Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
