can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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