I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
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