I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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