Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Randomize
