Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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