Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Randomize
