well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
