im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Randomize
