remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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