i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize
