there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
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I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Randomize
