Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Randomize
