then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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