i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
do nipples grow back?
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
