Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize