I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Randomize
