Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Randomize