I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Randomize
