Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Randomize
