I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
he quoted the bible to break up with me
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
