saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
