After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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