Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
