Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
