I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize