i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
