Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
It's rum buckets o'clock
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
