I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
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