Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
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