how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
