walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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