we have pet lesbian snakes
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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