closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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