I accidentally burped into my bong.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
