after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
