So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
