Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
