Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
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