I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Randomize
